Saying Goodbye Part 1

Dad died in November 2020 but thanks to the Rona we postponed the service to celebrate dad’s life. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, now, I don’t know. 

Last week all the emotions I shoved down deep came bubbling up. Oh my poor sweet husband doesn’t know how to handle this. To be honest, neither do I. 

No sleep

Lots of emotions

Endless photo searching

This video is the end result. 

There are so many pictures that deserve to be included in a video of my dad but these are what I had. I am so thankful to have had this man as my dad. 

He worked hard. 

He was honest. 

He loved his family. 

He suffered for many years. 

He loved the Lord. 

He was my dad. 

Until I see you again dad, I rejoice that you are free from the chains of Parkinson’s and all the challenges of this world. I love you. 

Service in Smith Center, KS at All Faiths Funeral Chapel on Tuesday, May 4, 2021 10:30am. 

Remembering Dad

There’s just something about daddys and their daughters. 

When I saw Chris pick up our first baby girl all those years ago, I knew she didn’t need to say a word, he was forever smitten. Now we have 3 daughters, when they call with a problem he is ready to jump into action at a moments notice. Dads want to protect their daughters. 

Dads are like cops, they instinctively protect and serve even when we act like jerks. They are also there to correct and detain when needed. I had a fierce love for dad, as well as a healthy fear. He was the parent who played games with us and took us for bike rides. Dad understood style which is why he took me shopping for prom dresses but also was the one who told me to “March back up to your room and put on something acceptable” when teenage fashion was a little too revealing. And the words, “dad will talk to you about this!” put the fear of God in me most the time. My memories of dad are different from my brothers’ memories. So I guess, it is a daddy-daughter thing. 

In the end, I am the one who visited dad in the nursing home and eventually the hospital and I am the one mourning dad’s death. I was robbed. This stupid Rona took 10 months of dads life. I miss dad horribly. 

Dad went into the hospital on Saturday night with pneumonia in the end stage of life. After 19 years of Parkinson’s and 4 years of living in a nursing home dad was more than ready to go be with God. Dad did not have covid until he had been in the hospital for 4 days. I had to fight for the right to spend time with my dying dad and allow our daughters the opportunity to say goodbye to their Opa. I don’t regret one thing I said or did at the hospital. Aunt Delma would have been so proud of me! 

Dads service will be in the spring.

On December 26th we spent the day in Kansas City doing things dad loved. Honoring the guy who loved art, food and shopping (amongst other things) 

 

My Dad: My Hero

This guy.

My first hero. 

My first role model. 

The one who loved me unconditionally. 

The one who gave me away but never left me. 

And then November 11, 2020 my heart broke. 

I would like to have something profound to say but I don’t. Oh my gosh, this hurts!!! I thought watching dad slowly fade away over the years would prepare me for his death. 

N O P E

Everyone says, “I bet it gives you comfort that he’s in a better place now.”

N O P E

I miss dad more now than ever. Covid took the last ten months away from us, we were not allowed to see him, touch him, reassure him. I’m mad. I’m hurt. I’m sick of Covid and all the ridiculous crap that comes with it! 

Even in my anger I keep looking for the silver lining. Mom was with dad 3 of his last 4 days and I got to spend 2 days with dad in the hospital. Surprisingly, Emma and Reagan both had the opportunity to say goodbye to their Opa. (Admittedly I had to be pretty forceful at the hospital. Those nurses may have a special name for me) Thank you Lord for going before us to make that happen! 

I know Dad slipped out of this world and landed in the arms of Jesus, his personal Savior. Without that knowledge the devastation would be nearly unbearable but right now I selfishly miss my dad. 

HaPPy 75th BiRThDaY DaD!

♫ Happy Birthday to You ♫

♫ Happy Birthday to You ♫

♫ Happy Birthday Dad ♫

♫ Happy Birthday to You ♫

Dad has always really loved to eat and his favorite food is anything containing copious amounts of sugar. I remember as a young girl growing up at home dad would make a run to Boogaarts to buy a brownie mix and then after dinner ask me to make them. Sometimes he would buy vanilla ice cream to go on it too. We all would eat one piece, maybe two but the next morning when we woke up the pan would be empty. Dad just couldn't stop eating until he hit the bottom of the pan. Another typical dessert occurrence from my youth would happen when we were eating out. Our dad was a very frugal man, he worked super hard to provide for our family of five and didn't want to waste funds. We didn't eat out often but when we did we didn't get to order drinks and we had to order meals that were on the cheaper side of the menu but dessert...that was another story. Everyone could order a piece of pie.  Dad's birthday this year gave him just what he loves best...peanut butter pie AND chocolate cake. 

We had some laughs. He enjoyed his cake. Unfortunately, Dad never knows who I am during my visits and on this particular day he didn't know who mom was either. These visits are hard! There is no way to sugar coat it...they aren't what I would like them to be. As I have said before, I don't know if he gets anything out of our time together other than some nice lady coming to visit. (yes, I am said "nice lady")  However, every once in a while I see my real dad shine through those brown eyes or in the raw moments of a hardy laugh I hear dad's voice. I miss you dad.  

Happy Birthday!

I love you!

Time Flies

Has it really been six weeks since I have posted on my blog? It almost become overwhelming...I don't know where to start. Father's Day Sunday which is also the mark of my first of many super busy work days. I may not blog again for quite a while. Soccer registration is all consuming for about 10 weeks...see ya in August. :)

First I will say I am healing well. I am about 8 weeks PO. This shoulder surgery thing is for the birds!  The first 6 weeks were painful but the worst was the lack of sleep. Finally I am getting better sleep and hope to sleep through the night soon. Rehab and I have a love/hate relationship. I love my physical therapist but I also really don't like her twice a week! My best remedy was Copaiba essential oil. When taken 3-4 times a day everyday, I feel great and it doesn't destroy my liver like the prescribed meds do.

Going for a walk

Oh dad, thank you for sharing your smile with me! I have not been the best at visiting dad regularly. I miss dad so much but it hurts my heart so much every time I see him. On this particular day dad was awake and tried to talk a little bit but I doubt he knew me most of the time. It's hard to tell. Below is a picture of Hunter's dog. I have never seen a dog this large.

Biggest dog ever visiting dad

Wicked with Emma...Loved it!

Emma moved home from college on May 2nd. It has been such a joy to have her home again. We are so blessed to have such a terrific daughter. (ok, 3 terrific daughters.) Mother's Day lunch & pedicures for all 4 girls because dad was busy with softball all day.


A year ago my Phoenician friend Tammy and I figured out how we could do a birthday cruise to celebrate her big 5 - 0. After months of saving, the day finally came. I would do anything for this girl. She is an amazing loyal friend with a servant heart, a joyful giver, caring mom and overcomer. Oh how I wish we lived closer. Our cruise took us from Long Beach, CA to Ensanada, Mexico and back. This was a first time event for me...it will be a trip I will not soon forget.

After the cruise I drove Tammy back to Phoenix where I had the opportunity to see a couple friends before jumping on another plane home. Seeing Tammy, Vicki and Eileen really filled my friendship tank! Why is it take my friends don't age but I do? This isn't fair!

My friend Vicki

Thanks Ryan and Eileen for hosting me and thank you boys for giving up your bedroom. You are the best!

My friend Eileen

The most stressful part of my trip was trying to figure out transportation from the west side of the valley to Mesa where Grandma lives. Finally I figured out a combination of friends, waiting around in a hospital and ubers I made to Grandmas house. Grandma and I spent the day together, to say I am blessed to have this lady in my life is an understatement!

Aunt LaRae and Grandma

TWENTY TWO YEARS ago I said "I do" to this handsome dude and what a great decision that was. Chris and I celebrated by hitting several restaurants in the Blackstone District of Omaha. I think you could call us "Foodies" We love trying new places and after all these years we even enjoy sharing meals. :)

THEN

NOW

We now get to share our wedding anniversary with Chris' sister Holly and her new husband. Dinner at the Greek Island and then we managed to make it out alive of our first ever Escape Room. Congrats Holly and Stephen. Praying for Christ's protection and direction in your marriage.

We escaped with 2:05 minutes left

Last but not least we have had the joy of seeing Reagan get back on the pitch. At almost 7 months post operation our soccer player was cleared to play the sport she loves so dearly. Her playing time is still limited but her first time on the field in a game like situation she got a break away, headed for the goal and scored for the first time in 8 months. It may have only been a scrimmage but I let out a scream of joy. This mama's heart is overflowing with pride and joy for our girl who endured a very tough 8 months. Reags, we are so happy for you. What a comeback! 

In 4 short days we will head to Seattle, Washington for the ECNL National Championship Playoffs. Reagan will still have limited minutes on the field to prevent injury. (sidenote: it's fatigue that usually causes ACL injuries and Reags still needs to build up her game time minutes) I can't wait to see what she does when she laces up those black Copas and takes the game field for the first time since October 14, 2017. You can bet, there will be tears of joy in my eyes. More to come...

Peace to all reading this post! May the love of Christ overwhelm your daily life. 

Best Christmas Gift of 2017

Over the Christmas break our family had the wonderful opportunity to spend a morning with Dad. This February will mark the two year anniversary of Dad moving into the senior care center. It was most definitely a needed move but hard on all of us.
-Mom promised she would never put dad in such a facility but she also didn't know what life would be like as his health continued to decline. Being a caregiver is exhausting in every part of life. For mom's health, she needed this help.
-For the at least the first year, every time mom saw dad he asked her to take him home. These were the times I started to see mom really break. It was hard for her to say she couldn't take him home. Dad's hallucinations and confusion grew making it impossible for him to live at home. However, there were (and still are) times that dad thinks clearly. Knowing you are losing your ability to care for yourself must be tragic.
-For me, I felt like dad should have been moved into a nursing home months before mom finally caved to the facts. However, it was also so hard to see dad make that permanent transition. With the exception of this week's visit, every time I see dad he has declined from the previous visit. I miss dad so much!

Back to the blessing of seeing dad this week. The girls didn't love leaving the house at 6:45am, they usually have another 3 hours of slumber. However, the early departure allowed us to get to dad's place by 9:30am and have two quality hours together. I was pleasantly surprised to see dad wide awake watching Andy Griffith Show. And then came several beautiful moments, first dad knew me and knew the girls were his granddaughters and second during our conversation he laughed several times. Seeing his genuine smile was heartwarming. Most of our conversation was confusing but moments made sense. At one point Dad even asked me if I needed some money. So sweet!

Wishing everyone a very Happy New Year!

For Such A Time As This

Esther is one of my favorite people in the bible. I encourage you to read the book of Esther especially if you find yourself in a place that God does not seem to be inhabiting. I promise you whether you see Him or not, He is with you in the good and the bad. 

In no way do I want to say my life is bad. But right now I do have a lot on my emotional plate. Once in while it seems like too much. Consider this, God is good all the time.  He can accomplish more than I can ever imagine, with or without me but maybe I was created for such a time as this. Just like Esther, she could have avoided the risks, stayed safe and God would have still saved the Jews. Instead she chose to obey and be used by God. It was hard. It was dangerous. It was unknown. It was a blessing!

My girls gave me a necklace with Esther 4:14 inscribed on it. LOVE IT! When I don't know what to do next I remember that it is no accident that I have sick friends, lost loved ones, financial uncertainty and the list goes on. God is working in the dark days too. Read below...

God’s sovereignty is best summarized in Mordecai’s exhortation to Esther: “And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14).

When events seemed out of control to Esther and Mordecai, when the king dictated ruin for their people, when evil was poised to triumph . . . God was at work. He worked through their dark days (Esther was taken to the harem [2:1–16]), their faithful obedience (Esther risked her life before the king [5:1–3]), and their victories (Esther revealed Haman’s plot and the Jews’ destruction of their enemies [7–9]). This message is clear: God is sovereign even when life doesn’t make sense.

God is also the great Promise Keeper. Mordecai said to Esther: “If you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father’s house will perish” (Esther 4:14). Mordecai’s words reflected his faith that God would honor His eternal covenant with Abraham and David.

So even though I have been struggling emotionally with all kinds of issues, big and small, plus trying to be a mom and wife it's important for me to remember to Thank God for the incredible blessings He is pouring out.

 Spending time with my sweet friend Danielle. Just a few months ago we were scrapbooking in Tonya's basement but now we are both praying for a miracle of healing and praising God that if He does not heal her on earth, she will soon be in Glory for all eternity.

My Senior!

Preparing for graduation is a full time job. There are forms to fill out, pictures to send in, parties to plan, financial decisions to be made, banquets to register for and lots of prayers spoken.

serving platters

the front room is a mess

3' letters covered in photos

 So many last concerts for my senior. District contest was an incredible success for Millard West choir, orchestra and small groups. All 1+ scores! Great job Em!

 Olivia is also enjoying concert season. 

She has performed with Minnesingers, R2 and Sing Omaha. This week was her band concert and next week will be school choir and orchestra. This girl has a passion for music!

not a good thing to see first thing in the morning. 

 

It has been a while since I could get a good picture with dad.

He is recovering from pneumonia and has a super strong heart. Love you dad!

Reagan honored Aunt Lois in Kicks For A Cure game

Soccer season is flying by quickly. Monday night was the first victory of district tournament, Reagan had a hat trick. (3 goals) The team has suffered some devastating injuries, each game I pray for every kid out there to walk of the field at the end of the game. 

This week I am prepping for Sunday's grad party...65 pounds of bacon takes a while to cook. I still have some decorations to finish and oh what about that video montage that everyone shows at their grad parties. Hmm, I may or may not get that done.

We all have a story. Whatever brings you to your knees, remember that God has fully equipped you to take on the day. I know I was created for such a time as this, to love and be loved.

Go make a difference!

Daddy's Hands

There are no words to express the emotion I feel as I look at this picture. One day dad won't be around and I don't want to miss the opportunity to enjoy him now. To be honest, most visits are hard and I have to focus on one little thing as a blessing. This particular day dad was the worst he has been in a long time. There are bad days and good (or less bad) days. If I can be vulnerable here, sometimes I wonder why God hasn't taken dad home to be with him. This thought takes me back to Isaiah 55:9 where we read this...

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways 

higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Maybe God has a plan and knows alittle more than I do so it's my choice to listen for the blessings God has for me each time I see dad. My prayer for dad is that he is comfortable, experiencing joy and his caregivers are doing an excellent job.

There's a country song by Martina McBride titled "Daddy's Hands." Although I can not quote the lyrics, as I think about the song it brings me joy. The song talks about how daddy's hands can be soft and gentle when needed but they are also strong and tough in order to provide and even disciple. Oh yes, I have all those memories of my daddy.

Dad, I love you.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten 

Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, 

but have everlasting life.    John 3:16

Happy Birthday Dad!

Happy Birthday Dad!

October is one of my favorite months of the year. Fall just makes me happy! The weather, the lack of humidity, the colors, the flavors and the birthdays. Dad and I share a birthday month. His is early and mine is late in the month so by now he probably doesn't even remember he had a birthday celebration while I try to celebrate the whole month. For example, today I am meeting a friend for birthday lunch because I have a birthday reward on PinPoint. (if you don't have PinPoint you've gotta get it)

Chris and I took the day off to meet mom at the nursing home to celebrate another year with dad. To be honest, I don't know how much he understood. For starters, he introduced me to his son-in-law, Chris. I get it...I get it! It still hurts.

Dad doesn't need things but I love to give gifts so I brought some of his favorite items. We had smoked ribs with all the fixings and a yummy cake that mom made but he really wasn't interested in eating. I bought dad two lottery tickets, one chocolate covered cherry and a senior picture of Emma. I can't say that any of those things meant much to him either. Oh the first two items may sound strange to most people but dad LOVED playing the lottery and eating those nasty cherries. Conversations tend to be difficult so we enjoy watching the birds in the aviary down the hall. I realize this picture doesn't show any birds at all but there are about 16 in there. All colors, flying around at speeds that I guess my camera on the phone can't catch. 

The girls weren't able to make it to see dad. It's hard on them to go and also to stay home. I pray that God gives us the wisdom to know what is best for Dad and strength for Mom. Lord, be merciful.

On a side note, as I am writing this post a week past dad's birthday, today would have been his sister's 77th birthday. Oh how I miss Aunt Delma! Maybe we will eat cake at our house tonight. 

Happy Fall! 
Recognize and enjoy the beauty our Creator gave us. He cares about the little things too!